Boundaries... yep I'm going there

So let's talk about boundaries. 

This is a big topic, and one of those things that when we think we've mastered - all of a sudden it smacks you right in the face. 

For me, this came as a big ol wake up call over the last couple of weeks. Where was I not holding boundaries with myself, my friends, my family, and my clients? The truth? Everywhere. 

It snuck up on me. You know, the friend who messages you every day for advice or support. It seems like it's just a nice connection, until you've completely shifted your perspective about where your life is going and once you stop and back away, you actually don't even recognize yourself?

Or the client who sends you just one more question every time you talk, and the next thing you know you've done 2-3 sessions worth of work over messenger for free?

Or your children, who ignore your request to pick up after themselves, because well you always just do it for them eventually anyway. 

And worse, was how this was affecting me energetically. I couldn't make a single decision about what I actually wanted, because I had so many other people in my field. I wanted to move, but couldn't decide where, when, or how. I wanted to scale my business, but I couldn't pick a business coach or program to utilize. The list goes on and on.

The hard, ugly truth was - I was so focused on being the helper/healer/advice giver/friend I would have done anything for anyone who jumped out and asked me for something. I had completely stopped checking in with myself first. Would this connection be supportive for me or them? Was this energy exchange actually in alignment with me? Most of them, the answer was actually no.

Yuck, right?

Thankfully I realized it, and once I did, I was confronted with it EVERYWHERE. So I took a gigantic step back. I told friends I needed to be in my own energy field for awhile. I even cancelled a client session. I needed to get back onto my own path, and figure out how again to be in alignment with me. I had to unplug from everyone else's picture of who I was, what I was doing, and how I was going to do it. I had to come back to me first.

And you know what - not everyone reacted well. I had one person even call me selfish. It had become her right to be in my energy field, and taking that away was so triggering for her that she then sent me a break up letter explaining how hurtful I was being. 

Let me be very clear here. NO ONE has the right to be in your energy field whenever they please, period. And anyone's reaction to your boundary there is 100% about THEM. We can only control and work through our own triggers. Taking someone else's projections of you being wrong as your truth is just another place that you need to re-evaluate.

But her reaction also showed me that this was indeed a place where I was out of alignment and that part was absolutely about me. I had to step back and look at why this pattern was still surfacing for me so I could fix it. As much as I wanted to make it about her, it was really all about me not holding clear boundaries with myself, and allowing everyone around me to influence who I was, and what I was doing.

If you're also struggling with maintaining boundaries with others, this is what I'd suggest - 

1. Put away the devices.
It's so so easy to get caught up in the facebook scrolling and everyone else's journey. This for me is a work in progress as my business is also online, but I'm committing to keeping at it. I will no longer always immediately respond every time someone says they need me.

2. Evaluate the relationships in your life.
Are they all actually supportive for you? Is there an equal energy exchange or is one person always the fixer? Are you comfortable stepping away, or has your identities become wrapped up so much that you'e lost your individuality? Now, please know I'm not saying go break up with your friends at all. I am saying that YOU alone control whether your relationships are an energy pull and you have to be the one to step up and change them. Start with simple boundaries, and figure out what is in alignment for your energy field.

3. Put aside time for just you.
This was another hard one for me. I'm a full time mother of three kids, working multiple jobs, all during a pandemic. It seemed like there wasn't a possibility for time for just me. Truthfully though that was just a story I was telling myself. If I stopped being so attached to helping everyone around me, I did actually have time. My most productive time is actually after my kids go to sleep, and so I set aside that time to do whatever my body and energy field need. That may be working on my business sometimes, but other times it may be reading a book or meditating. The point was I promised to give myself that time and stick to it. 

4. Follow through with your own commitments to self.
When you make a commitment to self, you are establishing a boundary. If you can't keep your own commitments, how could you possibly expect others to as well? We are all mirrors for each other, and everyone in your circle is showing you loud and clear what else in your field you need to be working on. For me, my commitment is to always trust self first. This means a lot of things, but to start it means that I have to be comfortable alone in my energy field, making decisions on my own, and following through on my own. It does not mean I never ask for help, or I don't receive feedback, or anything like that at all. It does mean, that any time something hits my field, I check in with me and whether or not what is being said is in alignment with me FIRST.

And the last thing is to remember to be gentle on yourself. There are so many layers to this experience and we all are going to find ourselves in positions at times where we thought we were doing better, only to fall again, and realize there's still more to learn. That truly is the beauty of this journey. 

❤️❤️,
Amanda